When Belonging Feels Like Erasure: The Quiet Cost of Standing Out
- Kirti Singh
- Nov 6
- 2 min read
Many of us learn early that belonging often comes with conditions. We are welcomed when we fit, rewarded when we adapt, and praised when we make others comfortable. Over time, this can become an invisible habit — the slow, quiet act of self-erasure.
We lower the volume of our difference. We speak in tones that will be heard. We make ourselves palatable to survive.
For leaders navigating multiple identities — as women, immigrants, people of colour, or gender-expansive professionals — this tension becomes a daily negotiation. We want to bring our full selves to work, yet we know the systems around us were not always built to hold that wholeness.
The Paradox of Visibility
To stand out is to risk scrutiny. To blend in is to risk invisibility.
This is the paradox of visibility: when being seen can feel both empowering and exposing. Many leaders describe the exhaustion of having to prove their competence, credibility, or belonging — again and again. It’s not a lack of confidence; it’s the weariness of navigating bias while trying to lead with grace.
In Gestalt language, this is a contact boundary dilemma — the space where self meets environment. When that boundary is blurred by expectation or stereotype, authentic contact becomes difficult. We either over-adjust to be accepted or withdraw to stay safe.
Awareness begins when we notice how this plays out in real time:
When do I hold back a truth or insight to protect belonging?
When do I overperform to prove I deserve to be here?
Where do I feel myself disappearing to maintain harmony?
Awareness as Resistance
Awareness is more than a mindfulness tool; it’s a form of resistance. To become aware of the subtle ways we shrink is to reclaim authorship of our own presence. Awareness lets us choose — when to speak, when to pause, when to stay fully in ourselves even when the room feels too small.
Decolonial practice reminds us that the self is relational. We cannot undo erasure alone; we do it in relationship — with mentors, peers, communities that affirm the fullness of who we are. Belonging, then, is not assimilation. It’s recognition.
Leading Without Self-Erasure
Leadership that honors identity begins within. It asks us to lead from centering, not contorting. It calls for boundaries that protect authenticity, and communities that mirror back our power rather than our performance.
When we lead without self-erasure, we model something revolutionary: that integrity is more powerful than conformity, and that presence itself can be an act of change.
A Reflection to Hold
Where in your life do you feel the need to prove, polish, or perform?
What part of you longs to be seen as you are — unedited, unscaled, unstrategized?
What would leadership look like if belonging didn’t require shrinking?
Growth that starts within means remembering that your difference is not a deviation from excellence — it’s the very source of it.
If this reflection resonates with you and you’re exploring how to lead without self-erasure, I’d love to connect. You can reach out or book a complimentary consultation to begin the conversation.
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